Monday, February 16, 2009

Perkenankanlah Aku MencintaiMu Semampuku

Azimah Rahayu


Tuhanku,
Aku masih ingat, saat pertama dulu aku belajar mencintaiMu…
Lembar demi lembar kitab kupelajari…
Untai demi untai kata para ustadz kuresapi…
Tentang cinta para nabi
Tentang kasih para sahabat
Tentang mahabbah para sufi
Tentang kerinduan para syuhada


Lalu kutanam di jiwa dalam-dalam
Kutumbuhkan dalam mimpi-mimpi dan idealisme yang mengawang di awan…

Tapi Rabbii,
Berbilang detik, menit, jam, hari, pekan, bulan dan kemudian tahun berlalu…
Aku berusaha mencintaiMu dengan cinta yang paling utama, tapi…
Aku masih juga tak menemukan cinta tertinggi untukMu…
Aku makin merasakan gelisahku membadai…
Dalam cita yang mengawang
Sedang kakiku mengambang, tiada menjejak bumi…
Hingga aku terhempas dalam jurang
Dan kegelapan…


Wahai Ilahi,
Kemudian berbilang detik, menit, jam, hari, pekan, bulan dan tahun berlalu…
Aku mencoba merangkak, menggapai permukaan bumi dan menegakkan jiwaku kembali
Menatap, memohon dan menghibaMu:
Allahu Rahiim, Ilaahi Rabbii,
Perkenankanlah aku mencintaiMu,
Semampuku
Allahu Rahmaan, Ilaahi Rabii
Perkenankanlah aku mencintaiMu
Sebisaku
Dengan segala kelemahanku

Ilaahi,
Aku tak sanggup mencintaiMu
Dengan kesabaran menanggung derita
Umpama Nabi Ayyub, Musa, Isa hingga Al musthafa
Karena itu izinkan aku mencintaiMu
Melalui keluh kesah pengaduanku padaMu
Atas derita batin dan jasadku
Atas sakit dan ketakutanku

Rabbii,
Aku tak sanggup mencintaiMu seperti Abu bakar, yang menyedekahkan seluruh hartanya dan hanya meninggalkan Engkau dan RasulMu bagi diri dan keluarga. Atau layaknya Umar yang menyerahkan separo harta demi jihad. Atau Utsman yang menyerahkan 1000 ekor kuda untuk syiarkan dienMu. Izinkan aku mencintaiMu, melalui seratus-dua ratus perak yang terulur pada tangan-tangan kecil di perempatan jalan, pada wanita-wanita tua yang menadahkan tangan di pojok-pojok jembatan. Pada makanan–makanan sederhana yang terkirim ke handai taulan.

Ilaahi, aku tak sanggup mencintaiMu dengan khusyuknya shalat salah seorang shahabat NabiMu hingga tiada terasa anak panah musuh terhunjam di kakinya. Karena itu Ya Allah, perkenankanlah aku tertatih menggapai cintaMu, dalam shalat yang coba kudirikan terbata-bata, meski ingatan kadang melayang ke berbagai permasalahan dunia.

Robbii, aku tak dapat beribadah ala para salafush sholih, yang membaktikan seluruh malamnya untuk bercinta denganMu. Maka izinkanlah aku untuk mencintaimu dalam satu-dua rekaat lailku. Dalam satu dua sunnah nafilahMu. Dalam desah napas kepasrahan tidurku.

Yaa, Maha Rahmaan,
Aku tak sanggup mencintaiMu bagai para al hafidz dan hafidzah, yang menuntaskan kalamMu dalam satu putaran malam. Perkenankanlah aku mencintaiMu, melalui selembar dua lembar tilawah harianku. Lewat lantunan seayat dua ayat hafalanku.

Yaa Rahiim
Aku tak sanggup mencintaiMu semisal Sumayyah, yang mempersembahkan jiwa demi tegaknya DienMu. Seandai para syuhada, yang menjual dirinya dalam jihadnya bagiMu. Maka perkenankanlah aku mencintaiMu dengan mempersembahkan sedikit bakti dan pengorbanan untuk dakwahMu. Maka izinkanlah aku mencintaiMu dengan sedikit pengajaran bagi tumbuhnya generasi baru.

Allahu Kariim, aku tak sanggup mencintaiMu di atas segalanya, bagai Ibrahim yang rela tinggalkan putra dan zaujahnya, dan patuh mengorbankan pemuda biji matanya. Maka izinkanlah aku mencintaiMu di dalam segalanya. Izinkan aku mencintaiMu dengan mencintai keluargaku, dengan mencintai sahabat-sahabatku, dengan mencintai manusia dan alam semesta.

Allaahu Rahmaanurrahiim, Ilaahi Rabbii
Perkenankanlah aku mencintaiMu semampuku. Agar cinta itu mengalun dalam jiwa. Agar cinta ini mengalir di sepanjang nadiku.


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